I kept participating, though. More meetups, a demo, and a lot of standing around later, I came out with a theory: it’s not me, it’s the structure. I can only speak for my own experience, and the people were never the problem. Everyone I talked to was nice. It’s the setup that leaves you standing there.

The problem

the lunch table problem

It kinda feels like high school all over again, or that scene in Mean Girls where every lunch table is its own little clique. Everyone was already in closed circles, and you can’t just squeeze into one of those, because that’s rude and awkward.

Then when you do find a table, sit down and introduce yourself, you have zero clue what anybody is talking about. At one point it feels like people just rant or try to sound smart, but looking back, that’s what a room with no topic turns into. Which then makes it difficult to chime into a conversation.

bring your laptop to keep the table warm

This time it is a code meetup where you bring your laptop and code with other people. Sounds exciting. If we bring our laptops, we can potentially share projects that we are working on and talk about code.

But the ambience is exactly the same. The only difference is you bring a laptop this time. Same setup, same vibe.

small talk

When you do manage to find a group to talk to, you then fall into what feels like pulling teeth to start a conversation. Questions with no follow-up, two-word answers, and the relief when it ends.

If you have to force words out of somebody, is it even worth it?

So how do we make meetups better?

So I sit here today wondering, how can code meetups actually be welcoming and worth it for somebody? If you’re hosting one, what can you do to elevate the mood and remove the weird tension for newbies or even regulars?

If it were me, I’d organize these events a bit more:

• Instead of one or two hosts, ask for volunteers to anchor different tables. Mix experience levels as people arrive, and make that host responsible for bringing newcomers into the conversation instead of leaving them to figure it out alone.
• Give each table a topic, or have people share a fun project they’re working on, so nobody has to invent small talk from scratch.
• If getting volunteers is tough, keep it small. Smaller groups are easier to keep talking, and easier for people to build some confidence.

None of this is hard to do. It just takes someone deciding to run the room.